10 things that greyhounds have taught me...
- Doing nothing is an art form, and deserves lots of practice.
- I have thin skin, and if I pick a fight, I'm the one who's gonna get hurt.
- If I don't like something, I can walk away. Most times that fixes it.
- Life is a huge adventure, full of astonishments.
- Dinner came yesterday, dinner came today, and dinner will probably come tomorrow. All the rest is a wonderful bonus to revel in.
- People are willing to help me and teach me.
- If I growl, no one will want to play with me.
- If in doubt, be friendly.
- It's okay to trust. Most humans deserve it.
- Even when people have hurt you, don't be bitter. There's lots of nice humans out there.
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A Dog is for Life, Not Just for Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With no thought of the dog filling their head.
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Knew he was cold, but didn't care about that.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Figuring the dog was free of his chain and into the trash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Santa Claus - with eyes full of tears.
He unchained the dog, once so lively and quick,
Last years Christmas present, now painfully thin and sick.
More rapid than eagles he called the dogs name.
And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain;
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let's find this dog a home where he'll be loved by all"
I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year,
For Santa Claus had made one thing quite clear,
The gift of a dog is not just for the season,
We had gotten the pup for all the wrong reasons.
In our haste to think of a gift for the kids
There was one important thing that we missed.
A dog should be family, and cared for the same
You don't give a gift, then put it on a chain.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"You weren't giving a gift! You were giving a life!"
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Good Afternoon. I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous." Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place:
- Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
- Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
- Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
- Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to trials, dog camps and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
- If you do go overseas, is it to Europe in June to attend the World Show?
- Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
- Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
- Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
- Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
- Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
- Do you know the meaning of AD, AAD, MAD, ADCH, CD, CDX, UD, HIT, WC, JH, MH, CH, BIS, NA, NJ, AX, TD, TDX and OTCH?
- Is your mail primarily dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
- Do you get up before dawn to go to Shows, Training Classes, Agility Trials, Seminars?
- Are you up and praparing hours before you have to leave for a show [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
- If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
- Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
- When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
- Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
- Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring!a mat or towel\emdash This exercise is great anytime you want your dog to stay in place and be comfortable.
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Dogs letters to God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around in a car? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
May I have my testicles back?
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- The Garbage Collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- I do NOT need to suddenly stand up when laying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, under the lounge or under the bed.
- I MUST shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house!
- I will not eat the cats food - neither before they eat it NOR after they throw it up!
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when Im about to be sick.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, cow dung or dead rats just because I like the way they smell.
- Kitty Box crunchies, although they are tasty are not food.
- I will not eat anymore kleenex or napkins then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The nappy bucket is NOT a biscuit tin.
- I will not chew on my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew on red crayons or pens as my people will think Im hemorrhaging!
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mums underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel - neither is Mum nor Dads laps.
- My head does not belong in the Refridgerator!
- I will not bite the Officers hand when he reaches in for Dads licence.
- I will not play tug-o-war with Dads underwear while he is sitting on the toilet!
- I will not eat dental floss out of the bathroom as I do not want string hanging out of my butt!
- I will not play 'roll in the dirt' straight after being bathed.
- I will not hump on peoples legs just because I think its the right thing to do.
- Sticking my nose in someones crotch to say Hi is not acceptable.
- I will not let one go in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head!
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- The toilet bowl is not an ever-ending supply of water.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt makes my people put me outside.
- The Cat is NOT a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it is NOT a good thing.
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A Dog's Soul
Every dog must have a soul, somewhere deep inside
Where all his hurts and grievances are buried with his pride.
Where he decides the good and bad, the wrong way from the right,
And where his judgement carefully is hidden from our sight.
A dog must have a secret place, where every thought abides,
A sort of close acquaintance that he trusts in and confides.
And when accused unjustly for himself, He cannot speak,
Rebuked, He finds within his soul, the comfort he must seek.
He'll love, tho'he is unloved, and he'll serve tho'badly used,
And one kind word will wipe away the times when he's abused.
Altho' his heart may break in two, his love will still be whole,
Because God gave to every dog an understanding Soul!
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Dogs understand guys better than women do:
Warning: written by a chauvinist as opposed to a dog-lover
- The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
- Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
- A dog's parents never visit.
- Dogs do not hate their bodies.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
- Dogs seldom outlive you.
- Dogs can't talk.
- Dogs enjoy petting in public.
- You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go - 24 hours a day.
- Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
- Dogs like to go hunting.
- Another man will seldom steal your dog.
- If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
- A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
- If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
- If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
- A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
- A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
- On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
- When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
- Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
- If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
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Helpful Holiday Hints
(or how to survive the holidays with a 65 lb dog that snacks on evergreens)
- Hide all precious antique, heirloom ornaments until your puppy becomes a responsible adult (or is turned in for advanced training, whichever happens first). This may not be the year to display Great Aunt Mabel's Hummel Nativity Scene.
- Put only unbreakable or incredibly ugly ornaments on the lower 1/3 of your Christmas tree. If you really hate it, itíll probably survive. I always put bells on the tip of each tree branch, if I hear bells ringing, I run!!!!!!!
- You may want to reconsider the charming custom of hanging edible items on your tree.This includes actual edible items such as candy,cookies and popcorn as well as items your dog may consider edible.(With your average Lab puppy this could be a pretty extensive list.)
- Do you really NEED a Christmas tree?
- If you have a male puppy, consider what they do to trees outside your home.You may have to convince your little guy that you have NOT installed indoor plumbing for him to use on those cold winter days!
- Holiday lights may be dangerous to puppies. Try to hide cords from a puppy who may decide to chew.
- Chocolate can be toxic to dogs. Please hide all 5 LB chocolate Santas and Whitman Samplers. If your puppy does accidentally snatch some chocolate please contact your veterinarian.
- Keep special holiday treats to a minimum. Cleaning up diarrhea from your carpet on Christmas morning will not be a memory you cherish.A few small treats wonít hurt,but make sure your guests know not to feed your puppy.
- Tinsel was created by a person who did not own dogs.
- Take this opportunity to expose your puppy to different things, lighted holiday displays, carol singers etc.
- Take lots of photos, puppies grow up way too fast.
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Holiday Etiquette For Dogs
(Please make sure your dogs read)
- Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
- They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
- Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
- They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - -don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - -mind your tail when you are near the tree - -if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.
- Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - -not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - - don't eat off the buffet table - -beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - -don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.
- Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - -respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - -tolerate children - - turn on your charm big time.
- A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!
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How to Photograph a Puppy
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. Take pizza crust from puppies mouth.
- Choose a suitable background for photo. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus. Find puppy and take dirty rope toy from mouth. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
- Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
- Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
- Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
- Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
- Take puppy back inside and give it a nice dog biscuit.
- Call for help to hold puppy down in one position.
- Get camera ready..and wait for pup to hold still.
- Take picture of brown blur.
- Take 3 more pictures of brown blur.
- Give puppy a bowl of water, and pour yourself a drink.
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If Dogs Were Our Teachers
If dogs were our teachers, we would learn important stuff like:
- When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them like
they've been gone for a year.
- Never pass up the opportunity
to go for a joyride in the car.
- Allow the experience of fresh
air and the wind in your face
to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest,
- Let others know when they've
invaded your territory.
- Take naps.
- Stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let
people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple
growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on
your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of
water and lie under a shady
- When you're happy, dance
around and wiggle
your entire body.
- No matter how often you're
scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout... run
right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy
of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm. Stop when
you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be
something you're not.
- If what you want lies
buried, dig until
you find it.
- When someone is having
a bad day, be silent,
sit close by and nuzzle
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Memo from the dog:
My Dear Human,
These things have been bugging me for some time. I
just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding
we can get along better.
Love you anyway,
- Blaming your farts on me. Not funny ... not funny at all.
- Yelling at me for barking. I AM A DOG!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
- How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth; you're just jealous.
- Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
- When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
- Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
- ..... The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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On the first day, God created the Greyhound.
On the second day, God created man to serve the Greyhound.
On the third day, God created the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the Greyhound.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the Greyhound.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the Greyhound could or could not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Greyhound healthy and the man broke. (AMEN!!!)
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the Greyhound.
On the eighth day, God believeth that He was done, but Lo! The Garden of Eden was full of Greyhound poop and craters. Adam & Eve, having been banished from the garden, no longer dwelleth therein to serve the Greyhound, so it came to pass that He had to clean the mess up Himself. And God was displeased.
On the ninth day, God sayeth unto the Heavens, Who hath dominion here, me or the Greyhound?
On the tenth day, God came upon the Greyhound cockroached on His throne and abideth there unmoving, despite all His beseeching.
And so it came to pass that God had his answer. He then sayeth unto Moses, "Fine you are in charge now. Here's my ten commandments. You deal with the Greyhound! "I am retiring to Miami Beach! And Moses convinced the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of bondage in Egypt and journey to the Promised Land. God sayeth unto Moses, The Promised Land shall be yours, but you must take the Greyhound with you.
And so it came to pass that the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, waiting for the Greyhound to go potty, mark every bush and sniff every blade of grass in its domain. And the Greyhound was fruitful and multiplied. The people were taken by the comeliness and manner of the Greyhound, but they were sorely distressed. "Lord" they cried out, "The Greyhound is an attractive and sweet creature, but there are so many, what shall we do?" And God sayeth unto the people, "Ye are the cursed people and shall be known as adopters! Thy yards shall be barren of grass. Thy dwellings shall overflow with dog beds, squeaky toys and Greyhound kitsch. Thy carpets shall be forever stained. Thy vet bills shalt be large and thy lives forever ordered around by the Greyhound. And thy minds shall be muddled, as thou shalt treat thy Greyhounds as thy do your human offspring."
And Adopters begat Chippers. And Chippers begat Fosters. And Fosters begat Adoption Groups. And Adoption Groups begat Discussion Lists. And Discussion Lists begat Gatherings. And Gatherings begat Vendors. And Vendors begat a wardrobe for the Greyhound. And the Greyhound was spoiled.
God looked down on this and was pleased.
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When I Got My New Dog
I asked for strength that I might rear her perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed her more treats.
I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.
I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.
I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh.
I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.
I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.
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